awaken,reborn...

these day feel weird..i dun smile like usual..i like to be call "hepi fruit 开心果(around la well i duno chinese which means the one always smile and laugh coz i want to be the one thats smiling and laughing at the last~~~~)"i like to make ppl around me smile and laugh but there is few ppl who i cant even make them smile and i feel like "why izit i am so useless??better die??" yeah 100 % bingo..


that day i say to my father with a serious manner "i gonna use this whole cuti to study the adm" and then i tell this to myself yesterday "karen u need to wake up from ur stupid and illusion world this is a world full of hepiness if u could be more great to others" when i cry so much because of a movie and also the feeling..


i am crying while typing this blog(100% true) i duno why this weird feeling..i believe in balasan..i promise to make my family and fren smile 4eva but sumtym even i try but it turn to be "get out of my way u useless RUBBISH,stupid!!"..


there is some ppl who i cant even make them smile and sebaliknya i make them suffer..i dun wan this anymore..i dun wan to make any enemy more..i wan to love all ppl include my own enemy..past is past so forget the memory that past..the worse thing to do when u have nothing to do is to do nothing..


u hav 2 ear and 1 mouth so listen more than u talk..if u let me make one wish i hop everything go back to the initial where i haven be born and let me stay in the place between heaven and hell..if u let me have the remote which can slow and forward then time i will de the same thing..if that wish cant come true then i want hepiness but not all in this world have it..only 0.1%have it so is i am so lucky??no...

here is a lyrics for the song anything but ordinary sang by avril lavigne..

Sometimes I get so weird,
I even freak myself out,
I laugh myself to sleep,
It's my lullaby,
Sometimes I drive so fast,
Just to feel the danger,
I wanna scream,
It makes me feel alive,
Is it enough to love?,
Is it enough to breath?,
Somebody rip my heart out,
And leave me here to bleed,
Is it enough to die?,
Somebody save my life,
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please,
To walk within the lines,
Would make my life so boring,
I want to know that I,
Have been to the extreme,
So knock me off my feets,
Come on now give it to me,
Anything to make me feel alive,
Is it enough to love?,
Is it enough to breath?,
Somebody rip my heart out,
And leave me here to bleed,
Is it enough to die?,
Somebody save my live,
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please,
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please,
Let down your defences,
If you look you will see,
that this world is a beautiful,
accident turbulent suculent,
opulent permanent, no way,
I wanna taste it,
Don't wanna waste it away,
Sometimes i get so weird,
I even freak myself out,
I laugh myself to sleep,
It's my lullaby,
Is it anough,
Is it enough to breath?,
Somebody rip my heart out,
And leave me here to bleed,
Is it enough to die?,
Somebody save my life,
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please,
Is it enough?,
Is it enough to die?,
Somebody save my life,
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please,
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please,

-end-

after i type this song i think about him..even i can lie to other ppl that i have forget him but somewhere deep in my heart he is stilll there(the virus that damage my life)i juz cant erase him from my memory..that day b4 my adm exam means wednesday around 2 days ago..my fren all 1 pair pair and only me standing there(holding add math book)to be a SPORTLIGHT oh my GOD..


then my fren say "go find one la" hmm feel like.."why??" suan liao..there is some ppl that i hate so much i even want to kill them and dun want them to appear in my life!!especially him..sometimes i get so jealous with other ppl bcoz her family love herso muc but why mine...


why???why???izit past live fault??or next life fault??i juz wan to have a great family,the world greatest but i know there is no way i could have it..coz...coz...i juz want ordinary live around zero but why i get negative??and other ppl get positive..i dun care ppl who get positive but at least i dun wan negative!..feel better after typing this blog..juz wish to have the ordinary life..please!