wan find a rope soon...

rope rope rope..got one??sell to me...is there any rope in my home??no...there is a knife but not good to use it...gun?no!...some pils...yes yes...i ate some so still feel the same...i jz try some various pills together..(hey good girl,good boy dont try it...)..no use to just ate it...ewww..and some of it is bitter...yikes...

ahh...yesterday the worst...i think it was the same i cry for other thing but yesterday was more...ummm how to say?...ummm was more like hell de la...its suffer...and now still the same...yesterday in the morning still nice but then i think around 5:19pm...i called pei yin to ask something but end up knowing another thing...its dat class list...

after i know it,i felt...heaven/hell i am on the way now...please open the door...and dat time i am msn with someone...so he say "don do stupid thing,bla bla bla..." i forget some of it...his word has NO use to me...

then i try to talk to someone on my phone list...and i felt even more sad...my phone list.....all.....haiz....then i decide to either call sou yee jie jie or sheryl jie jie...then i sms sou yee because i scared to disturb sheryl jie jie from her work...and then i feel 0.5% better...i think now i will take 2 years to heal...at least..

first i ask her "sou yee,when u feel so hurt until wan die wat wil u do??" then she replied "i wil cry as loud as i can to GOD..i wil shout at HIM..i wil merajuk at HIM..i wil pray to HIM.." so i do cry as loud as i cry...well dats wat i always done so its fine with me...

this is wat she said me dat i feel better after just now conversation "believe dat GOD has his wil to when he put u in 5sc3..wat we experience GOD wil know..and believe dat everything is in GOD's hand" mayb this is a short message but i cried for it..

and then the second human i asked was my mother...at first i went to her room and cant hold back my tears so i sound like something is in my throat..and i asked her "what will u do when u feel really really sad??" she answered.. "i will smile and laugh HAHAHA"..then i try both..one is cry,believe and pray,the other one is smile and laugh...

after 5 minutes when i still felt sad i go read bible..and then when i open the bible my mother knock the door and when she come in...i felt like crying even more...u wont find a mother like mine...so she asked what happened??is it family problem??...no...

at first i dont want to answer her and continue to cry...i also dunno why my tears kept flowing...everytimes when i cry i will do it alone..but this is the first time i felt so sad dat i asked my mother for her opinion...

erm this is wat i heard the broke my heart and i felt like i wont smile to strangers anymore...u see...pei yin said this "hey karen chai jing was in sc1,then all the others are with me in sc2 and u are the only one in sc3..." doesn it meant "u are the only one,u are outcast,u are alone,no one want u...." this is the feeling i get dat i feel wanna cry...my mood gone down from 80% to 18th floor of hell...i NEVER blame her on it because i know pei yin is the kind of straight one...i HOPED she din meant anything by dat...

dat day i lay on my bed at 9pm..then thinking something until around 10:30 pm then slept at 11pm(i think)...i kept thinking various thing dats bugging me...

well there is one good and many bad thing i was putted into 5sc3...the good is dat i will concentrate in my study without even chatting to anyone...and the bad is dat i was scared...know wat i was scared??...i think many of my frens already know dat i scared indians guys in my school (except af 2% are good,can u imagine 2% over 100% ??)

and then at the same time there is one guy called me..i felt kinda happy..because i think dat he called me at very tepat masa...but i din answer it..no way i could he wil definitely know i am crying..i dunno wat is his intention to called me because i din pick it up...now i felt dun wan to chatted with anyone(except my family and SOME humans)

i used to think the word friends are fake...fakers..hump this is all...

oh ya besides wish a happy birthday to my sis and wish comes true...